I’ve only known you were here for three days, already it feels like a life time. There is barely a moment when you are not in my thoughts. Last night I told your Daddy about you, a day early! One day I hope that we will get one of those cutesy reveal stories to look back on with joy. It makes me sad that it is now ‘normal’ for me to say ‘I think we are pregnant, but..’ Pregnancy shouldn’t come with a disclaimer. He was happy, from a safe distance. He knows all too well that those two pink lines are the first two steps of a huge mountain ahead. We try to keep our hearts prepared for endurance, lest we burn out to soon.
You scared me yesterday, or more likely I scared me. I had a tiny bit of spotting and I freaked the heck out. Looking back I completely overreacted. It almost feels foolish but I’m trying to be gentle and not judge myself. Straight away I thought you were leaving me. It was difficult for me to conceive of any other outcome. I peed on things and sent depressing text messages to the only two people that know about you. All of a sudden I became an expert of shades of pink! Was today’s test 1/100th lighter than yesterdays? etc. The foolish scramble of a human being desperate to feel in control.
And then as the day went on I realised that the spotting had stopped and when I woke up today there was still nothing. I felt a resurgence of hope, the pull of hope is so strong! I try to hide from it but it always finds it’s way in, even in the darkest hours. We are far from out of the water but I felt like it was a small victory. We needed that!
Yesterday I prayed out loud to a god that I don’t even know if I believe in. Conventional, organised religion does nothing for me. I can’t stand dogma & hypocrisy and the general stance towards homosexuality is a deal breaker for me. I find immense comfort from Buddhist teachings, acceptance, mindfulness, kindness – these things I value. But since I was very young I have felt a very personal relationship with what/who I perceive to be ‘god’. It’s not guided by the bible or any particular faith, it’s just conversations I have had in the quiet hours where I feel like someone is listening. It’s where I direct all of my gratitude for our blessings, it’s who or what I pray to & plead with when I don’t know what else to do.
And yesterday I pleaded with my voice and all of my heart to keep my baby. To give me strength and faith where mine is lacking. To hold me up in moments of weakness. To heal my fragile heart & mind and make things ok. Today I felt comfort. Not because I’m any more certain or any less afraid of the journey ahead because I am not. But I was reading the blog of another baby loss mama who had described how alone she had felt in her time of need and how the experience had tested her own very strong faith. And then she felt a message that said
“I’m still here, I’ve been here all along.”
and somehow reading that at that precise moment, it felt like it was a message meant for me too. And I wondered whether in my anger & distress if there was someone or something watching over me too. Knowing that I would make it through and that things would be ok. And that even if I had lost faith and turned away my heart in anger at the universe for making me go through it all again, that something was standing by me like a calm and loving parent watching a child have a petulant tantrum. That it pained them to watch me struggle but they knew it was not right to intervene. That maybe I felt their love through the others that were there to love me during that time. That I wasn’t abandoned. That they were there all along.
And somehow that gives me clarity and comfort.
In the meantime I go on living moment to moment.